Humor is also a way of saying something serious. - T. S. Eliot

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Home from Gramma's

Andi screamed "I don't want to go home!  I want stay at Gramma's!"  Despite her protests, I brought them back home.  "Don't you want to go home and see daddy?" I asked her.  "NO!" she screamed at me.

It was fun...Gramma and Grampa let them:
  • stay up late
  • eat fudge pops and donuts until their tummies popped
  • had patience for the girls antics
  • and have a pool in the backyard
With all that fun, why would they want to come home?  And with some of the behaviors we've had lately, I'd have been happy to leave them there for 2 or 3 more days...or years. 
Here's a few pics...
The twins got in on the yearly volleyball competition between mom and "sausage cathy"

Ella has been wanting to ride a rocket lately...Grampa let her ride his kiddie rides at the mall...and luck would have it that there was a rocket ride.

Andi and Ella having fun driving the bus


Ella doing jump splits into the water.  The girls were loving jumping into the water.

While they loved soaring, we loved seeing their confidence in the water soar as they swam through the water.

Andi worked on "monkey cheeks" and "scoops and kicks"

And after every swim, Andi loved stripping and rolling around in Paisley's soft, warm dog bed.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Dave asked Andi if she remembered what Halloween is all about.  He didn't wait long for an answer before inserting a (wrong) answer of his own, "It's the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus."

To which Andi responded matter of factly, "I don't think so."

Last week Andi was either in one of two modes: kill anyone who crosses her path OR pretend she's a preschooler with her verbal and conversational skills.  Here's some specifics:

  • Andi bit Ella on the belly and double bitch-slapped Sophia.  
  • Dropped a chair on my foot severely bruising my toes (I still can't walk quite right).  Both this and the aforementioned actions warranted our chiropractor warning Dave not to come home from work if he valued his life.
  • Sweetly announced, "I loved those cookies.  They were sooooo good."
  • Counted to 13. 
  • Corrected us when we called her "cutie pa tootie."    "I'm not cutie pa tootie.  I'm Andi!"
  • Beat Sophia with a badminton racquet
  • Sprayed me in the back of the head with the jet stream feature on the hose and then laughed.  And then did it again. 
  • Told Ella "you smell like poop!" after Ella was freshly bathed. 
  • Gave Dave the lawyer a taste of his own medicine.  Within 5 minutes of finishing dinner, Dave had stuffed a chocolate in his mouth.  Andi came around the corner and asked for a snack.  Dave told her "we just finished dinner, it's not snack time."  To which Andi responded, "What's in your mouth?"
I recently read that a research study out of Duke indicated that children whose names start with the letter "A" are more likely to get A's in school and furthermore, these kids are more likely to get into a "high-ranking" law school.

I'd say she is well on her way.  We named her Andrea because it meant strength.  And because she was going to have older twin sisters, for good measure, we gave her a middle name that also means strength and courage.

I wonder.  Did we over-do it?

Swinging with mommy at the water park last wknd

post temper-tantrum and pre-nap look

Friday, July 22, 2011

We Built it, They Came

Fairies exist if you believe.  I know that Dave believes in fairies...apparently -- on the planet he lives on -- fairies are the ones who clean, maintain the home, do the laundry, and make homemade dinners.  Ella, on the other hand, is humoring this whole fairy-garden thing stating in a huffy manner, "Fairies don't live here in Minnesota!  They only live in Disney World."

I'm pretty sure fairies exist.  I may not know if there is a God, but I've felt the effects of fairies.  There is one particularly annoying fairy who -- somewhere in the laundry process -- steals one sock out of each pair.  She drives me insane.  Then there's the fairy who flicks me on the head with her wand, knocking my short-term memory out temporarily which results in wasted trips up and down the stairs and thoughts such as, "Now, why am I here? What was it I was going to get?" 

And what about the fairy who eats the last cookie in the house...or even the last slice of pizza?  That chick has to have weight issues -- either that or there are several of them in my house because I am forever hunting for food that I thought was there only to find it gone without anyone willing to take the blame. 

Are all fairies so naughty?  I know Tinkerbell has a bit of an edge to her.  I wonder if she is any indication of the rest of the fairies? 

I guess we'll find out soon enough....

Andi's fairy, sitting in the shade of her mushroom...

Sophia's fairy sitting in the plants, watching the "babbling brook"

Ella's fairy -- very mischievous it seems

Look at their little clothes line!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Mother-of-the-Year Jumps to Her Death

A while back I had a dream.  And it was a remarkable one.  You know how you hear stories about how if you die in your own dream that you do actually and truly die (or is it just me that hears those stories AND THEN believes them?).

Well, I had one of those death dreams.  Obviously though, it did not kill me, which is a good thing for Dave because he and I are both well aware of the fact that I plan to rise up from my grave and haunt and torment him.  It's also a good thing because I still haven't come to peace with a decision about cremation or burial.  I'm afraid of fire, but I'm also prone to claustrophobia.  Granted I'll be dead, but I'm still petrified that I'll still feel burned alive or trapped in a box and unable to breathe.  (I know. I have issues.) 

In my dream I decided I would jump off a bridge in order to die.  I don't remember feeling suicidal or despondent in the dream (or in real life), though suicide is obviously the reason one would jump, but dreams often don't make sense, so let's just go with it.

So I decided to jump off a bridge and reckoned that I would die immediately upon landing.  I even had the thought that I would pass out on the way down, so this would be a painless way to die.  Boy was I wrong.

First of all, I did not pass out.
Second of all, when I landed, I writhed around on the ground screaming over and over, "Ow! It hurts! I thought I'd be dead!"
Third, I did finally die, but peace was not achieved.

Once I died I was in a red sky, falling down (was I going to hell?) and there were muppets and Elmo all around me singing, "la la la la. la la la la. Elmo's Worlddddd. La la la la. La la la la. Elmo's world...."

I remember waking up that morning and thinking, "God. I'm never going to get a break -- EVER!"

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Home for Sale

Home is set on a fairy acreage, developer plans to add a pond and bridge.  Buyer may still choose additional details for the interior.  

The smell of a lavendar bush provides for a calm environment.  The fairy acreage attracts hummingbirds, finches, robins and bunnies.  The nearby gardens are attended to by a set of elves...

 The head elf has nearly completed phase one of the surrounding landscape using mostly dwarf variety perennials and a hydrangea tree...

Please contact Fairy Estates to make your home dreams come true. Payment may be made in the form of fairy dust, sprinkles of rain, gentle beams of sunshine, or whispers of wind. (Sorry, snow and hail are not acceptable forms of payment.)

Friday, July 15, 2011

Mother-of-the-Year: Picking Fights with Giants

As of late, I've been trying to figure a few things out and feeling deeply stressed, and at times, trapped.  This is causing me to feel an itty bit...irritable.  Those who cross paths with me generally don't know because I am a fantastic liar.  I am, afterall, a white, stay-at-home mom in the suburbs and that is what we do.  We put on a smiling face, slap on the lip plumping lipstick, and zumba our hearts out..despite crumbling marriages, financial woes, or children who are ready at any moment to steal our very last shred of sanity.

In an effort to try to preserve nap time at my home, I have had a sign posted on my door for 5 years now that says, "Do not disturb between 1 and 4. No soliciting EVER."  Our neighborhood gets a lot of door-to-door folks seeking our money for cleaning products or magazines, and the occasional solicitor pining for our religious conversion.

These solicitors come at nap times and dinner times.  Two BAD times of the day at our home.

Last night, I saw a van drop off a group of african american teens.  It made me mad and not because I would be solicitied -- my signs would stop that, but because I imagined that there was a white man behind some curtain somewhere, pulling the strings of these poor, disenfranchised youth, making them do his dirty work, while he took what little money they made.

The girls watched two youth walk to our door while we ate -- I told them to stay in their seats.  To my surprise the doorbell rang.

Hmmmm....Apparently the kids didn't read the sign...or they ignored it. 

At nap time today, I saw two more youth coming to the door.  The male had to be well over 6 feet tall and well over 200 pounds...and the female dwarfed me, too, actually.  Andi was sound asleep, the girls were painting their nails, and I was scrubbing the kitchen, bitching and cursing in my mind about things that were not going my way.  Let's just say, in the state I was in, a wise man would not cross paths with me. Good thing I had the sign up.


Ding DONG!  The door bell rang.  What the damn fuck? I thought to myself.  I kept scrubbing, harder now.  Pretty soon these two giants at my door start banging on it.

Oh hell no.

I throw my scrubber down and exit through my garage and head to my front door,
"Can't you read my sign? I have children napping. STOP making so much  noise!"

The huge male, instead of apologizing becomes defensive and hyperverbal about there being no sign. I cut him off and say, "well, then it fell down.  But I still need you to quit making noise."

He continues to sass at me -- a mom of twin GIRLS -- and I think, "all right, bring it." I look at the pair and ask if they have their permit to be going door-to-door. The female shows it to me in a compliant manner, but the giant ass mouthed male, who is raising his voice and who has never stopped sassing says,

"Yes we do have our permit.  That's what I hate about coming out here to this area.  All you motherfuckers call the cops on us if we don't have our permits."

Oh no he didn't just come to my door and sass at me, and wake up my 2-year-terror and then call me a motherfucker.

I looked at him, with rage surging through me, forgetting my size, forgetting all my dad and Dave have told me about not picking fights with those bigger than I and I stepped towards him.

"Listen fuckhead.  That's right people will call the cops on you.  We are all crazy and stressed out here, and we didn't invite anyone to come sell us shit we don't want.  That's intrusive so now fuck off."

He continued sassing at me, but I had had it.  I am about at my wit's end with stupid men -- believe me, I have met enough lately, and I turned on my heal to see my twins standing there, wide-eyed.

"He's leaving now mama.  It's ok." Sophia told me.

"Stupid fuckhead," said Ella.

Mother-of-the-Year...and Citizen-of-the-Year
*Author's note* The giants were twenty-somethings ... I wouldn't probably have spoken to teens that way...not that I should have spoken to anyone that way....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Twincesses Turn 5

Sophia and Ella have turned 5.  The presents are opened, the cake is nearly gone (thank goodness), and the party is over.  It was 4 days of partying at our house.  Grampa, who shares his birthday with the twins shared the 4 days with us.  It seemed like a lot of partying, but I suppose when there are three people born on the same day, 4 days really isn't that long of a time to spend partying.  It's probably just about right.

The actual day of the birthday was pretty low key.  Grampa received his gift a week ago -- a Poang chair from Ikea.  Whenever we'd take him to Ikea and couldn't find him, we'd look for the nearest Poang chair and there he'd be.  We figured it was about time he had one of his own.  He deserves to have a place to rest his bones after working long days, nearly each and every day of the week. We love him dearly and are thankful for the time we have with him.

And while it was his birthday, he spent the time doing all the work I needed done around the house -- a girl can't do everything, you know.  Two words to best describe my dad are busy-body and tinkerer.  And so I suppose, it was a win-win for each of us.

The twins had received a few gifts from the grandparents the weekend before; however, Andi and I still had a gift for each of them: earrings, a calculator, a nail art set, and a tea set/cookbook. The earrings are their first pair of real jewlery from a jewlery store.  Since I don't plan on changing their earrings much, I decided a high quality pair would be the way to go -- less chance for infection, etc.

After opening presents, the twins headed to swim class and then we all went out to lunch at Noodles -- Ella's choice.  The afternoon was spent playing volleyball with a neighbor while Dad installed gutters on the back of the house.  By 4:30 we rounded everyone up and headed to Chuck E. Cheese -- Sophia's choice.  Andi won 25 tickets in one round of a Sponge Bob game.  After that win, she was hooked and thanks to dad for camping out with her while she indulged her addiction.

Ella didn't do too bad, either

Home after Chuck E. Cheese and we spent more time outside, working on the yard, playing volleyball, and jumping on the trampoline -- gramma and grampa's present for the twins.

Cake and ice cream finished the night off...

Happy Birthday, Sophia!
Happy Birthday, Ella!
Mommy loves you.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Baking for Tomorrow -- The Tri-Birthday

Homemade cake and icing with a Tinkerbell Fairy Friend!

Rosetta (another fairy from the Tinkerbell posse)

Sugar cookies made with my gramma's recipe (Dad's favorite -- thanks to Aunt D for passing along the secret recipe! ;)

And Andi got a special cookie just for being a cutie pa tootie!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Twincess Birthday Party

Today was the girls 5th birthday party and they had a great time!  I wasn't sure how to structure a party, so I copied what the girls preschool teachers did.  The girls and II picked a concept (Pampered Princess -- of course) then set up "stations".  Pretty much all of the children at the party were from the girls school and so I figured (hoped) that the "station" concept would carry us through and keep us organized, entertained, and out of trouble. 

The stations included:

  • Make your own jewlery (see sophia's necklace above)
  • Get a princess tatoo
  • Manicures with princess polish and nail art stickers.  All the girls took home princess drink cups, princess lip gloss, princess polish, candy, and -- hopefully -- a smile.  Their presence certainly left us all with smiles.
And then free play type activities:
  • water balloons 
  • coloring
  • a water table 
  • rice/bean container for the toddlers 

We wrapped up the activities and fed everyone  pizza followed up by cupcakes and pinatas.  Princess Michelle commented on the kids behavior saying they were all so well behaved and said "I've been to a lot of parties, and let me tell you, this is well organized."

Wow.  I guess those preschool teachers do know what they are doing.  I'll have to watch what the kindergarten teachers do next year so I know how to handle the party next year.

In all honesty, I had a fair amount of social anxiety about the party, groups and parties are not my thing, the only thing that saved me was that it was the twins who were the focus of the party, not me.  And of course, what they want, I will do for them. 

Happy almost 5th birthday Sophia, you smiled the whole time, welcomed your guests, and had a "great time!"
Happy almost 5th birthday Ella, you showed special care for a little girl who had anxiety about being at the party and stuck with her til she warmed up, you glowed when you got your face painted, and enjoyed mingling with all your friends.

And lastly, (I feel like I am making an awards acceptance speech) thanks to Dave for taking the day off, I needed your help.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to the three neighbor girls who manned the stations, and kept things running smoothly.  And an extra thank you to neighbor girl "A" who became my mothers helper in the last week and helped make cupcakes, go to the store, and manage the girls.  It's only b/c of everyone that today went so well. :) 

If you'll excuse me, I am now exhausted and need to go sit in that hidden corner of my room that no child knows exist while I eat almonds and m&m's.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Oh for Cute!

Cupcakes are ready for tomorrow!  The pic quality isn't that great -- nor is the photographer -- but the cupcakes and frosting are homemade and "Superlicious!" as Ella would say.

Here are Sophia's!

Here are Ella's!

Moving Heaven and Earth Continues

As soon as I was back from IA with the girls, I went right back to work on the landscaping.  That night I leveled the dirt (as best one can when they are an amateur with just a shovel).  With the ground levelled and graded and the rock torn out, I widened the bed, got the edging laid and the plastic put down the day after I got back.

Then Weds I finished the mulching, installed the fountain (good lord that thing was heavy), and put in a few plants.  There is still more work to do, things to tweak, and plants to install, but today, Thursday, is party prep day.  I've neglected the girls for the past wk trying to landscape the yard.  Thankfully the neighbors took the girls many hours while I worked.  This has been the most fun I've had in a long time.  Here's the progress up to today.

Pics of our 4th of July wknd to come after we spend the wknd celebrating the twins and grampa's b-day.  :)