This is a Test

Today is a test, and not of the emergency broadcast sort.  But believe me, if the person being tested doesn't succeed, there will be an emergency -- for him. 

There are about 12 weeks out of the year when I cannot stand being married or being a mother.  Awful to say I realize, but it's true.  This is one of those weeks.  (And really, there are probably more than 12 weeks, but for me to outright admit that would not be kosher.)  And I have to wonder whether my forgetting to put on my wedding band this morning was some sort of Freudian slip.

Between getting Christmas cards addressing me as "Mrs. 'Dave's Last Name'," (DAMN is that ever a pet peeve of mine!) the kids being out of school, and the mess that happens in a house with too many new toys, messy children and too small of a home...

I'm fit to be tied.

I am left with little patience to deal with stupid men.  And the fact that I am now returned to corporate America and surrounded by other strong women who are not shy about describing their husband's or partner's (or ex's) idiotic behaviors only feeds my willingness to identify Dave's behaviors as unbearable.  The only person not bitching with us right now is the woman in a same-sex marriage -- and I'm beginning to think there really is something to be said for being a lesbian and I am considering the option fully.  Really.  I am not against same-sex marriage for others, or myself.

This week, I want to know why someone who tests above normal on I.Q. tests:

• Flushes a toilet that overflows -- not once, but twice! -- and doesn't preventively turn off the water.  Really?  And for one of those times, leaves it for me to clean up because he is late for work -- again -- because he slept in -- again -- and lord forbid he help with ANY of the morning routine -- again.

• Calls me at work when the plumber doesn't show up.  I realize I am on the crisis team, but for heaven's fucking sake, figure this issue out on your own.

• Leaves me to deal with a group of male plumbers (Lord save us all) who: lack problem solving skills when they are locked out of my home (it's called, call my cell phone, which I told them to do in the first place), bitch at me before I am not even awake the next morning for a wasted trip (again NOT MY FAULT ASSHOLE -- it's called follow directions) and THEN cannot figure out what is wrong with the toilet and ask ME if what is happening looks normal.

• Nearly blows out his engine on his car by driving it with only two drops of oil in the car after not taking care to get an oil change done for 10,000 miles.

• Tells me he "doesn't care" where he is supposed to put toys after I spent from 9AM to 1AM cleaning and re-organizing the post-Christmas mess WHILE HAVING 3 SMALL CHILDREN UNDERFOOT -- and getting them out of the way is like hearding cats into a mother-effing river.

ah hem.


Mama always told me those "talented and gifted kids might be smart but in everyday life they are stupid."  Cheers and amen to that one.

When I get home tonight,  if the long ago broken light switch that operates the light above our kitchen table so we can see the food we eat for dinner that I so lovingly home cook each and every frickin night (or morning on the days I work) is not fixed when I get home and the water filter is still blinking red at me when I turn the faucet on...he will have failed the test...and the little light on the faucet won't be the only thing blinking red.

That is not a threat.  It's more of a promise...a premeditated plan with intent...a reason for the criminal lawyer I know to be on-call for me tonight...call it whatever you want on this twelfth and final week of 2011.  Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas 2011

Batten Down the Hatches

In the same way that one might prepare for a hurricane, boarding up the windows and tacking down any loose objects, we are preparing for Christmas morning with Andi. 

Andi has consistently been asking for one thing for Christmas. 

Keys.

Andi wants a car like mommy's so she can, "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!"

Last year at 18 months, Andi watched her twin sisters open a set of gifts and then she opened her own.  In the package, the person had given her an AGE APPROPRIATE toddler toy.  Andi was incensed.  She threw it across the room, then, kicking it, yelled, "I don't want (xyz), I want (what Sophia and Ella got)."

So tomorrow, Andi is getting her own bike.  I'm pretty sure she won't be able to throw it, but still...we are hoping for the best and preparing for the worst of Hurricane Andi.

Baby Gift for Uncle Pancake

As a soon-to-be aunt, I've been looking around for something to get my brother and his wife for their new arrival next year.  I wanted it to be something useful and unique.  I think I've finally found that special something that will help to assure everyone gets some sleep...


Click here

A Few Pics

Maggie and Sophia after Maggie got groomed by a very sweet grooming team who donates their time and services to rescue dogs. (They were really good and worth the drive.  Locals reading this blog and in need of a groomer, let me know, I'll pass their name along.)

Ella was all ears...

 And then there's Andi.  Stripped naked and wearing "mama's jamas" while mommy was at work.  Some kids have a pacifier, others have a doll or blanket.  Andi gets comfort from my pj's. Usually, though, she just carries them around and  buries her face in them...this is a twist.

Naughty and Nice

It was never a problem for the girls to have their preschool friends over.  Not only were the kids well-mannered, sweet kids, their parents were nice, too -- easy to set up play dates with, nice to talk to, etc. 

And so when I told the girls they could each invite a couple friends over for a cookie decorating party we had last week, I didn't anticipate having any issues with the kids or their parents.  In fact, I thought it would be fun.  While all the kids are in kindergarten, all the kids invited were six-years-old so I expected just that much more maturity and appropriate behavior.  And sadly, I expected mature parents....

I have a pretty high tolerance level when it comes to dealing with small children and their antics, but after two hours with the children we invited into our home I had decided a few things...

1. Damn. Those kids were naughty.
2. The twins are not having a birthday party next summer.
3. Maybe I'm not as child tolerant as I thought.
4. No WONDER Sophia (formerly little miss popularity) doesn't like going to school and doesn't have any friends. 
5. The children's parents need a parent coach...or something.

These children:
1.  Opened Christmas gifts under our tree.
2.  Did not listen to and follow directions.
3. Had little respect for boundaries (which I don't have many, let's be honest).
4. Spit at Mocha (the 16 yr old dog) and cursed her. Multiple times and vengefully -- holy crap you budding little socio-path!
5. Engaged in manipulative behavior when they wanted to do things they knew were no-no's.

I was feeling badly for Sophia.  At school conferences things came full circle as I mended my negative feelings towards Ella's teacher and returned to my first opinion of Sophia's teacher, which is, she sucks.

For weeks I have wanted to write about my experience at the girls conferences but I get so angry and upset that I shut down or write a blog so laced with anger I fear publishing it for people may think I'm crazier than they originally thought.  Though I know I'm not alone in my thoughts, I do wonder if I am in the minority. 

Sophia's teacher and I butted heads about achievement-oriented testing, testing, and re-testing of Sophia.  I said I didn't care to worry about whether my 5 yr old could read b/c she's....FIVE...and then further pressed on that the thing to be concerned about is socialization as well as too much academic pressure on a child who is clearly pushing back. 

This (sorry gramma but I'm really mad here) damn effing school system is so achievement oriented (as are many these days hence the development of a film http://www.racetonowhere.com/. It's like the only goddamn thing that matters is math and science.  Be damned a child's emotional development. Be damned a child's creative expression. All that mother-effing matters is whether our children score high on some stupid standardized tests.  And let's not even get me started on what I think about standardized tests.  

Now our school curriculum may be fine for kids who are ready -- like Ella -- but Sophia isn't there. 

And it is royally pissing me off to send my once happy child who enjoyed school thoroughly at ages 3 and 4 when there was balance to the curriculum, to now see her become more anxious, unhappy, moody, and lose confidence in herself in a curriculum that is NOT balanced.

So desperate and panicked did I become that I looked into putting her into a Christian Academy or the private catholic school down the street -- which Dave abruptly put a halt to. 

I talked to a friend and colleague who started out as an elementary ed teacher, but then went back to grad school to become a psychologist.  The main reason...she doesn't believe in how hard our children are pushed these days and she wanted no part of it.  I spoke to a couple teachers about the issue.  Both indicated retiring early because they didn't want to play the game. 

I talked to another teacher who was in my zumba class and she told me, "Well, it's only November.  Sophia should be adjusted now. You need to have a talk with her about getting serious about learning and reading."  Are you serious?!  Really?  She's FIVE! It's not like she's 15 and refusing to study because she wants to spend all her time texting and giggling about boys!

Uncomfortably, I am holding for now.  Holding my anxiety and irritation close so that Sophia doesn't pick up on it and committed to supporting her through this difficult situation and hoping that she'll come out of kindergarten with resilience -- not really what I thought I'd have to help her develop during her kindergarten experience, but certainly a good thing to have in life, and after all, everything we need to know we learn in kindergarten.  And this year she learns that sometimes you get put in a broken sucky system, but you can still come out okay.  To hell with reading. She'll get it when she's ready. 

Getting Even is Sweet

Dave said he didn't know my voice could reach that octave.
Mom said the family wished there would have been a video camera present to witness my reaction.
Dave thought the winner of an Oprah give away had called him at work, stating it wasn't until he got home that he finally figured out what I was screaming about...

On Wednesday I got the Christmas card in the mail I have been waiting for for years.  I mean, really, every year I'd watch to see if Heather would drink a wine cooler and every year I would get disappointed as she'd pop the top off of the cold, glass Caribbean Cooler.  I'd drop hints about how it's workable to have a baby during grad school and tell them how babies don't really take that much room if you have one at a time, therefore their condo would be a fitting size for a new addition.  After our group trip to KC last September, I thought for certain the couple's time with us had doomed me to never becoming an aunt as Uncle P and Aunt H witnessed Sophia barfing in a fine restaurant, Andi tantruming in a chocolate store, and Ella pouting for hours because she wanted a cookie.

Finally, word has arrived....

Uncle Pancake and Aunt Header are having a baby June 2012!

OMGOMGOMGOMG!

My time has finally come to pay Uncle Pancake back for all the bad things he taught the girls, from spitting to swearing.  My time has come. 

Ella thinks the baby should be named Mackenzie.
Andi doesn't hope for a baby girl or a baby boy, but instead states, "I hope it's a puppy!"
Sophia wants to know NOW -- is it a boy or a girl? 

Whatever it is, I just hope all goes smooth for the next 6 months and they have a healthy little baby next June.

Let the games begin!