I am agitated and depressed. Last night I was ready to crawl out of my skin. Yesterday, struggling through work I told myself it will pass, so just … be. Be in it, don’t fight it thereby prolonging it.
I couldn’t figure out why I was having such a mood nose dive and then I took an overall look at things now.
******The nanny was done Friday. She was reliable and kind. She kept our children active, and she – for the most part – kept up with household responsibilities. (I’m a bit Kate Gosselin-ish – no one is going to meet my expectations 100%).
******The twins begin full-day school in four days. Once again, I am having doubts about Sophia’s teacher. Especially in direct contrast to Ella’s teacher. I am a disgruntled parent in a school system that is supposed to be fabulous. What is wrong with me?! Andi starts preschool. I will be alone at home on Tuesday afternoons. The other days it will just be Andi and I.
As much as I bitch that my children are going to make me crazy, let’s be honest. I started out crazy. And when it comes to children at foot vs. silence, it will be the silence that makes me crazier. (Oh God I’m scared of getting OLD and having no children in the home…and not being able to stay active. What if I get dementia? Or have a stroke? Or can’t move around on my own? Which then led me to researching whether human euthanasia is legal. Hello Crazy Woman Starting a Mid-Life Crisis.
And it really is mid-life. “I’m half way to dead if the average age of death is still 73.” (is it?) Dave tells me I’m such a sunny thinker.
******Dave put in very long hours at work for almost two weeks – including two all nighters – leaving me with the responsibility of EVERYTHING. (Which isn’t too terribly different than normal, actually.) Hello Martyr.
******We spent my three days off this past week running to the zoo, the orchard, the children’s museum, eye appointments, hair cuts, school open-house, first day of gymnastics (for all three girls). With every single thing we did, the fact that is was the “last” time we would do that – all three together on a week day -- nagged at my brain. Hello Sentimental Drama Queen.
For my kids, it was a chance to have fun. For me, it was a chance to say good-bye to the days of mothering children too-young for school.
If Sophie isn’t home, who is going to ask me, “Why are you so freakishly annoying?”
And laugh at me when my hands are shaking due to too much adrenaline and coffee as I try to paint a french manicure on her tiny fingers.
Who will stroke my ego in only the way that Ella does when she announces, “Mommy. Clover smells like you. And you smell like a vampire.” Sophie adds in the zinger, “And vampires STINK.”
“Mommy, you should be a witch for Halloween,” Ella advised.
When I asked why and reminded her that they also make princess costumes in my size she brushed it off.
“Because you look like a witch. You have pointy teeth.”
As I write this, it is clear. I am grieving. This depressed agitation is actually grief. No matter what it is, the fix is still the same. Let it be. It will pass, as all things do. Once I have made peace with good-bye, I can say hello to the things that come with raising grade-school age children.
Or –- light bulb moment! -- I could put off good-bye and have another baby and start all over again.
Nah. Hello Puffy Red Eyes.
Someone pass me a hanky, I think I’m gonna stick with grieving.
|At the Children's Museum after they painted their faces at another exhibit|
|What a cool exhibit....rocks set up in a stream with paint brushes....|
|Our harvest of Cukenuts...and Ella's new bobbed hair.|
|Our harvest of greenbeans and Sophia's bobbed hair.|
|At the zoo shortly before leaving after two short hours. Going to the zoo in the 90 degree temp was not that much fun.|
|Andi does homework with Natalie.|
|Last day with Natalie...The girls always thought she was like a princess, Ariel, to be exact, because of her long red hair.|