This is the transcript of an actual phone conversation from today:
ring, ring, ring...
Me: Is your ass coming home on time?
Dave: This sounds serious.
Me: Your children who were supposed to be watching a movie while I wrote went upstairs and painted their finger nails and toe nails.
Dave: on what?
Me: On the CARPET
Dave: How'd they get that stuff? I thought we kept it up high?
Me: [Overtaken with laughter]
Dave: Are you wheezing? Are you ok?
Me: Have YOU MET THEM? [pause for dramatic effect] In stealth mode, they carried a chair OVER the babygate, up the stairs, and stood on it.
Dave: Well, then I think they earned it. That was a lot of work.
Me: I hope you are coming home on time, or I am pre-emptively calling child protection.