Call me bitter and insecure. Call me unhappy or negative. You'd be right. I feel that way when I come off of Facebook.
But when I avoid Facebook, I feel even keeled, sane, grateful, and normal -- unless Dave or my children are in the room, then it's a toss up. Everyday I wake up and feel grateful that I have a healthy family and a healthy body. I feel grateful for the days that I can go about my normal business, even if that business is dealing with whiney children who I'd like to run away from or a house so cluttered it paralyzes me. Because all that "normal" stuff means that something horribly wrong isn't happening. Does that make sense? Oh god, am I sick and twisted?
But the days I read facebook, my normal doesn't seem good enough. There is a small handful of people who add sunshine to my life that I hear from only because of facebook, and that is all that keeps me tied to it. I'm not sure if there is any way of getting rid of facebook and still keeping those connections that I value right now. I wish I didn't have to go through so many weeds of "my life is amazing" posts self promoting to get through to the roses of actual authentic connections with a small handful of friends and family.
The research that is coming out on social networking and the effect it has on our psyches indicates that people tend to overplay the good in their life and are very quiet about the negative in their life. (Well, duh.) It's about an image, I guess. Or perhaps everybody else besides me has appropriate boundaries on what they report?
Nobody talks about how shitty they feel when they hear about all the fantastic events in others lives and I was really beginning to wonder if something was wrong with me. Did I have a personality disorder? Was it my poor self esteem talking? Was I depressed despite my daily breakfast of champions that consists of zoloft and Caribou coffee?
I am fine bitching and complaining and acting like a crazy woman on my woefully unpopular blog. I don't want people, moms especially, to come here and read about only the gleaming aspects of life and walk away feeling like shit. Life has dark moments, parenting is hellishly hard on a person's marriage, mental health, and finances, and I'm happy to write about those moments so that all 23 people who read this blog on average on a daily basis can walk away and think, "Woh. At least I'm not that verge of twinsanity chick. I might actually be normal. I think I'm doin' ok afterall."