Humor is also a way of saying something serious. - T. S. Eliot

Sunday, January 1, 2012


Yes. He failed the test. But I knew he would.  I'm not being negative or a pessimist, I just know who I'm dealing with.

When I arrived home, he was just screwing the light switch plate back on stating he had taken the plate off to look underneath.  I'm not going to say a damn thing about either of these to him...I'm just going to wait and see how long it takes him to fix these things.  If it is all done by this time next year, I'll be surprised. 

Actually, all it will take is one trip up here by my dad.  Dad swoops in on weekends and takes care of everything I can't figure out how to handle.  Feeding him beer, pizza and bbq is cheaper than paying a handyman and less frustrating than trying to motivate Dave-- which I have failed at -- which is why dad has to fix everything.  The gutter above our sliding door that dad installed after me waiting for Dave to do it for FIVE YEARS is dripping at a seam and Dave has been tasked with fixing's been seven months.  We have the supplies to fix it. It will take all of five minutes.  I'm still waiting...

Why don't I just do it myself? Why do I sit here and unhappily bitch and complain?  I suppose it's stubborness. Or perhaps a desire to be petty.  Maybe it's because I like power struggles?  Maybe my dad is a superstar and Dave is just a regular guy?  Or maybe because I am set in righteousness and martyrdom that "I do everything else" while Dave is tasked only with unloading the dishwasher and getting himself to work.

I just really wonder why I can get so much more done in a day than he can.  And is it because of this that he slacks off? Or is it that I have learned to become super efficient because I live with someone who is disorganized, less than motivated, and a fan of napping, sleeping-in and mediocrity?

Is this how marriage is?  Should I just shut up and put up? Will it get better when the kids are older?

Is it not the marriage per se that is the problem, but me or my personality?  If Dave wasn't the target of my eye-rolling (that is so severe I've nearly sprained my right eye,) would something else be?

Do I have too high of expectations? Am I a narcissist?

Or are we just not a good fit?

This is an ongoing life pattern, as therapists like to say.  During my grad school days, I worked, cooked, cleaned, did laundary, and the grocery shopping. Dave worked. 

Adding children and an actual house with a yard has only expanded the my responsibilities ten-fold.  

During Dave's grad school and law school days he went to school.
And I worked, cooked, cleaned, did laundary, and the grocery shopping.  I made him go get a job by his 2nd yr of law school when I got pissed that I worked during grad school to keep us fed and perhaps, I thought, so should he.

Are these complaints I am having outweighed by the positives?

Are there positives?  I feel like I can't even see straight?

Was it the severe stress multiples bring that the doctors warned us of when we did IVF? If there weren't children involved would I walk away? Or would I even have to because perhaps I could tolerate his child-like behavior because I didn't have three little needy sparrows underfoot already?  Do I stay because I'm afraid to be alone -- am I afraid to be alone -- it seems like a welcome relief...a break.  Am I allowing my materialism and awareness that I need a $15k surgery (hence his income and help with the kids) in the near future dictate my choice? Two corporate career incomes is far more powerful when directed into supporting one home versus two homes. 

In the midst of writing this blog, I pause to listen to the older and wiser (ages 50-70) women around me who have divorced Asshole, The Laziest Man Alive, and Can You Believe Him?.  They are all complaining about the very things I have just written of -- two of the women left powerful men who supported them in mult-million dollar homes, another example that money does not buy happiness.  Odd, the timing of their conversation with my writing...(Are they looking over my shoulder?) 

Is it that we are all therapist's and have little tolerance for caring for husbands when we care for people all day long? Are our graduate degrees a sign that we are strong, educated women with high expectations for our partners? Is it that we are trained in human behavior that has something to do with our inability to tolerate our husband's behaviors?  Does being a therapist have nothing to do with our situations and we are a common reflection of greater society?  Does our caretaking personality attract us to men who need to be fixed? But really, who doesn't have something about them that needs fixing if you want to be technical about it...and is it really fixing?...that sounds so pathological.

Obviously, I have more questions than I have answers for.  But the one question I will not ask of Dave one more time is "when are you going to fix it?"  Because he will have not answers for that.

Stomp, stomp, stomp.

No comments:

Post a Comment