Humor is also a way of saying something serious. - T. S. Eliot

Friday, January 28, 2011

My Mind is Oddly Busy for These Wee Hours of the Morning

I like my sleep.  A good eight hours does the trick.  I typically fall asleep easily, stay asleep, and then wake up accepting that it's time to start a new day.

But crap hit the fan yesterday afternoon in nearly all avenues of my life and sleep was the only thing that ended my ruminations...


The dog woke me up with her coughing.  It's getting worse. Maybe it's...time. To end the misery for her.
But I can't.

I should be sleeping now.
But I can't.

I'm ruminating on too many things that -- really, for the love of karma -- I should let go of.
But I can't.

I really should have gotten more out of my day yesterday. It started so well.  I intentionally left the internet off and had such a focused and productive, engaged day.  But then I turned the internet on to get work done and all hell broke loose with a string of not so supportive people entering my life via electronic communications -- and maybe they weren't being jerks on purpose -- I gotta let this roll off my back.  C'mon little duck, let it roll.
But I can't.

I should have my budget laid out and have Dave on board and informed. It's so overwhelming -- these financial times we are in -- and I can't figure it out.  And I'm stuck in the muck of all this anger about financial things that feel out of my control -- about health costs, dental costs, a used car salesman who tricked me -- costing me $1300, Wells Fargo's shadey dealings with us, the stingy former employers who stiffed Dave on his year-end bonus when he left one month before they released it.  "Quit being so entitled," I say to myself. 
But I can't. My budget relied on that bonus.

In the grand scheme of life -- and with what others go through -- my problems are so...trivial. So go back to sleep. And quit being so mean to yourself.  Speak kindly to yourself. 
But I can't.

I am fighting the anger towards a family member who has a track record of big promises, little follow-through.  I bought into their promise, and the only person to be angry at now, is me.  I'm trying to tell myself to go back to kindness because if this person -- karma forbid -- suddenly died, I'd hate to have an angry heart towards them...
But I can't.

"You have got to accept the feelings without judging them and then process them and let them go," I say to myself," desperate for the sleep that will prevent Friday morning grumpies as I get the kids to school... 

And so I write...

Hoping peace will come by morning so I can have patience and kindness for my children.

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